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Can anyone advise please? - 2/6/2010 10:08:26 AM
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debsnbrats
Posts: 2
Joined: 2/6/2010
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I have recently had a nervous breakdown, brought on through financial and relationship worries. My daughter let my partner know that the hospital and doctors were involved and that it is serious and the crisis team were involved coming to my home daily and taking me to hospital support groups. My partner has not been to see me since, he says his son does not need to see me like this as he doesn’t understand and that the only time he has due to work commitments is weekends and he has to spend them with him.
My partner left his second wife over 2 years ago and has a 9 year old son from the marriage. He has seen his son the majority of weekends Friday Saturday and Sunday since that time. When we met him having a son wasn’t a problem as I wasn’t the kind of person who craved going out, I was happy with once a month or so.
Everything was wonderful, he spent most nights at my house and weekends I would either welcome his son into my home or we would stay at his house. We are both in our mid to late 40s and very much in love and agreed that we are soul mates, then he proposed. We agreed to move into my property and that in a year or so get married, sell up and by somewhere together.
He purchased a mobile phone for his son who was then 8 years old, he rang most nights at least twice and my fiancé never mentioned I was with him as he felt guilty. Both his cousin and I mentioned that some weekend nights we should have a night out instead, and I pointed out that he shouldn’t feel bad as the majority of dad’s have their children one day a week in the daytime and that he was a fantastic father. He took this as me saying he should have him one day a week. I really do care about the little boy and I want to do the best for all of us, I don’t want to shut him out.
His son stated that he only visits his dad to play with his friends who are local to the area where he rents and if he can’t do that then he won’t come and see him any longer. Since that time, I am allowed to his house occasionally at the weekend whilst his son is there, his son no longer visits or stays at my house and I see my partner once maybe twice a fortnight.
He has called the engagement off and alienated me. He has a daughter who is 18 and hasn’t seen for over 10 years due to a row with her mother (his first wife) she lives hundreds of miles away. He says because of me he will lose his son if he doesn’t stay at his property and he isn’t prepared to lose another child. He says he is so torn between us and loves me.
I have lots of concerns, we once sat watching Mr & Mrs when the child said how do you think we would do on that dad?... He most of the time sleeps in bed with his dad and his dad lets him go to bed at the same time. I have tried in the nicest possible way to say that he needs boundaries and I have tried to say that he is treating him like a wife, and allowing him to make the rules.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Please help
Debs UK
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RE: Can anyone advise please? - 2/6/2010 10:15:28 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1931
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Hi Debs. I am also from the UK.
Are you a christian? Is your partner a christian? That is the first and most imnprtant question to ask,and even though this is a christian forum, not everyone who comes her is, so it is best to ask, as any advice given may depend on whether you are, and whether you go to a church.
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RE: Can anyone advise please? - 2/6/2010 11:05:08 AM
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debsnbrats
Posts: 2
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I am although I am a non-church goer
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RE: Can anyone advise please? - 2/6/2010 11:31:55 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 4017
Joined: 4/12/2005
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All things considered, it might be time to cut your losses, move on, and go about things differently next time.
It really sounds like this man lacks character, is not wholly available to you (and rightfully so, if he's trying ot hang on to his child), and is not committed through thick and thin. When everything was going fine, he was happy to enjoy the perks of a relationship with him, that you gave to him without requiring him to make a committment. But regardless of his character, his first concern *should* be his children. We don't know the details of what's going on with you, but if he's looked at it and decided that it is unsafe for his child, or if child-services would deem it unsafe, then choosing to back away in order to keep his son with him is the right thing to do.
The fact is, the two of you hadn't made the committment of marriage. He has no real legal or moral committment to you because the two of you chose to let that wait, and you can't really do anything, anyway. If he wants to be with your, or not, is entirely his choice. Focus on getting yourself healthy, rather than pressing him to come back, which will only lead to drama and more hurt for all of you. Do you have ongoing help for your issues? On top of that, if you are a Christian you need a fellowship of brothers and sisters who can surround you and support you and advise you and pray for you. You really, really need that.
_____________________________
 Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Can anyone advise please? - 2/6/2010 12:32:18 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1931
Joined: 3/13/2009
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I agree to a large extent with 3capps.
This man isnt reliable, he doesnt stay with you when things get hard. he has already had 2 failed marriages and one child who he never sees, and seems too over clingy and over protective with the other child.Third marriages are sadly highly likely to fail anyway even without these problems and red flags,
I hope that you dont mind me saying this, but as Christians God does tell us that we arent to have sex outside marriage and so this relationship isnt right, and also he does warn us not be with a person who isnt a believer, and if your pertner isnt a believer then that is another reason not to be with him.
My advise to you is to accept that he has finished this relationship, concentrate on your health and when you are well enough, find a good friendly church to go to. Get to know other people. make soem good and godly friends and get support and prayers from others there. If you do ever marry again, make sure it is to a godly Christisn guy.
I say these things as someone who has also had a breakdown 13 years ago,is also divorced (Happily remarried 4 years ago) and also a simiiar age to you.
This relationship has many red flags and warnings that it probably wont work out, and you arent even married yet.
Get right with God, give yourself time to recover, and start to live His way and find a good church family.
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RE: Can anyone advise please? - 2/6/2010 4:06:47 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 703
Joined: 4/20/2005
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Hello debsnbrats
Our Heavenly Father promises us peace that passes all understanding, if we cast all of our cares upon Him. Since your life has deep seated complications, it might be worth a try to get into the Bible. Get to know it's Author very well. Soak up His word and let the Holy Spirit go through you and make any changes that He deems necessary.
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RE: Can anyone advise please? - 2/9/2010 6:41:25 AM
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kerryj65
Posts: 4
Joined: 5/20/2007
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I agree with everyone else. Cut it lose. Major problems here.
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RE: Can anyone advise please? - 3/10/2010 3:26:49 AM
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serasvictoria
Posts: 533
Joined: 7/10/2009
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Yeah, his excuse just sounds too wonky. Let him go.
_____________________________
Ghosts Were People Too
Christian By Choice, Southern By the Grace of God
www.facebook.com/toriramone
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RE: Can anyone advise please? - 3/10/2010 12:30:17 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1234
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Let him go.
I also encourage you to return(repent) to the Lord and rebuild your relationship with him... I'm sorry you are hurting and it my sincere hope that you come back into the fold of your Christian family.
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