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Frustrated during the "single waiting period". - 12/1/2008 11:43:29 PM
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splost
Posts: 48
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline
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Hi guys,
Mods this talks about my physical desires but it is vague and clean. I hope you don't delete but I will leave that to your discretion.
I am and 36, never been married. I know I am still young and yes, I love the Lord. I know my identity isn't wrapped up in my status as a single person.
I know God knows what he is doing. Who am I to judge his timing. I am just struggling emotionally during the waiting period. My desires for a mate are stronger than they have ever been, and not only that, the Lord is working on keeping my mind pure during the waiting period.
To compound this problem,I consider myself very attractive (please don't think I am bragging here) and often get "hit on". Because of this, I purposely wear my hair up because I am trying to be modest and I don't want to cause a man to "lust after me". Well, it works. The trouble is that I am not happy with this hairstyle and I often feel like a frumpy dump. I have glasses that are attractive, but the glasses and the hair up combo makes me feel like a 50's librarian.
I find myself in a frustrating position because I feel that there are two looks for me, frumpy or sexy. I don't want either look!! The problem is when my hair is down, I feel sexy and the way it hangs all wavy doesn't feel "modest" to me.
I realize for those of you who don't have an issue with "hair being sexy" may find this a bit bizzare, but then I know there are ladies that cover their heads for the sake of being modest so I am hoping there is a group out there that understands where I am coming from.
I am sorry I am rambling, I don't really know where I am going with this post. Just felt frustrated that I feel like I can't find a "look" (mainly my hair) that's attractive and "modest" (if that makes sense). It feels like anytime I wear it down, it feels sexy. I am not saying sexy is bad, just don't want to cause a man to lust.
I am feeling a little funny that I shared this with you, and I realize some of you may thing this is a really psychologically unusual hangup, but it has been troubling me. I am trying to find a look that is attractive without causing one to stumble. Becuase I have been told that I am quite attractive, I almost feel like I have to hide it.
Because of my age and where I am in life, I am beginning to feel like a shaken up soda can. I have quite a high drive and am really hoping the Lord will send someone soon.
Any advice on what to do with these hormones during the wait? It isn't just the "act" I am craving, but the physical touch and intimacy. Sometimes the desire can make me feel quite lonely.
Thanks for letting me share.
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RE: Frustrated during the "single waiting period&q... - 12/1/2008 11:57:38 PM
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Focusing
Posts: 6007
Status: offline
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Well, I can comment on the hair. I love mine long. Some days I wear it straight and other days I wear it curled. I know my sweetie loves long hair, but I don't consider wearing it down and curly/wavy to be sexy. I simply consider it attractive and feminine, and there's nothing wrong with looking feminine, imo.
I am really tired and don't have the energy to look right now, but there have been various discussions about singleness and desiring to be married, and like you mentioned, not necessarily for the physical intimacy, but just to have someone there beside you. You are sooooooo not alone in feeling this way.
_____________________________
Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: Frustrated during the "single waiting period&q... - 12/3/2008 3:33:27 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2940
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: offline
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((((((((((splost)))))))))))
1. As far as the hair, since you did ask  ..how about 1/2 up, 1/2 down? I find that on most women, that's a good part business/part feminine look.
2. As far as everything else you're saying, I can relate all too well. I'm 37, and in the same boat (aren't birthdays hard?). Not to be a parrot, but I don't have the time nor energy to speak further right now, but I'll try to get back to you. I'm glad you started this thread..women in our boat need support, and there is only so much you can/want to say in the single's folder. Don't get me wrong, we have to be careful here too, as I think you have been...I'm just saying it's nice to talk single women to single women sometimes with no men involved.
3. By the way, Welcome to the forums!!! 
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RE: Frustrated during the "single waiting period&q... - 12/4/2008 1:21:35 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 5556
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
Status: online
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quote:
I consider myself very attractive (please don't think I am bragging here) and often get "hit on". Because of this, I purposely wear my hair up because I am trying to be modest and I don't want to cause a man to "lust after me". Well, it works. The trouble is that I am not happy with this hairstyle and I often feel like a frumpy dump. I have glasses that are attractive, but the glasses and the hair up combo makes me feel like a 50's librarian. Firstly, I have no idea if you are attractive or not. I think you need to do some thinking though. You need to consider what it is to be modest. It's not just in the way we look or dress, it's who we are on the inside.
If, as you say, you are very attractive, there is no sin in that. There's no sin in wearing your hair down or in wearing more flattering glasses if you need them. That isn't the only part of being modest. It's how you act and speak too. I know some men and women who look very attractive to look at. But they become less so with their actions and words. And some of the less attractive people become far more attractive when you hear their actions and words. The sin comes in when you spend hours infront of a mirror primping and preening to make sure you look perfect and think (sorry to have to say it) that if you wear your hair in a certain way, you're going to have men lusting after you.
I'm not suggesting that you walk round in crop tops, flashing your cleavage and skirts that are so short folk can see your underwear. I'm pretty sure that someone posted in forums that he wore glasses because he wanted to appear LESS attractive. Wearing glasses when you don't need to (and I'm not suggesting you are doing this, only you know that), tying your hair back, wearing dowdy clothing to appear less attractive is being dishonest.
Your fear that men are going to 'lust' after you may well be a stereotypical image that you have to work to get rid of. I suspect that most men won't lust after you because of the way you wear your hair ~ and those that do will quite possibly lust after you regardless of the way you wear your hair.
There are more ways than looking 'frumpy' or 'sexy'. Regardless of the number of (girl) friends you have, you can look at what other women wear and see what is smart (for work) and casual and consider how many of them look either frumpy of sexy. Sure, there will be some, but not all.
_____________________________
I could give up chocolate ~ but I'm no quitter!
My blog
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RE: Frustrated during the "single waiting period&q... - 12/25/2008 3:10:49 PM
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angelion
Posts: 57
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: florida
Status: offline
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hello. I am 27 and single as well... and something i have began to learn is that women and men are created as sexual beings. i think the issue we as Christian Believers face is that we are living lives to please the Lord.
I think it is alright to feel good about being attractive... I think its ok to be beautiful and maybe if you let your hair down you will attract a boyfriend, who knows! But I think at least for me and I can relate to what your dealing with, is I feel like I don't want guy's attention because it leads to one thing (it has for me in the past), so now I am learning to appreciate me for me, cute, pretty, sexy, alone, dressed up dressed down- whatver I may be that moment that day...
what i am trying to get to is that God knows who you are. And He didn't create you to be unsatisfied. I believe that for you and for me, and all of us combined!
I know that I have been hurt by men in my past and that makes me want to protect myself and I feel like doing that someways by not being as pretty as I can be because I don't want to be seen as sexy because I don't want to be taken advantage of or hurt again.... so what can we do?
I am practicing accepting myself. and I am also practicing being strong willed for the Lord. A lot of my previous problems with my relationships with men have had to do with my own lack of judgement and sin. Pleasure more than God.
I hope you can see how I am relating, because I have dealt with the same thoughts about appearing "sexy". I am at point where I am hearing clearly from God about my own life as far as courting and seeing guys goes, and for me that means not going to thier houses or being alone with them in private.
I am also learning to accept who I am and be myself for who God created me to be.
Jesus did say to let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify God.
God made beauty....for His glory!
_____________________________
x.ashleigh.x
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RE: Frustrated during the "single waiting period&q... - 1/1/2009 6:20:26 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1774
Joined: 4/25/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: splost
Hi guys,
Mods this talks about my physical desires but it is vague and clean. I hope you don't delete but I will leave that to your discretion.
I am and 36, never been married. I know I am still young and yes, I love the Lord. I know my identity isn't wrapped up in my status as a single person.
I know God knows what he is doing. Who am I to judge his timing. I am just struggling emotionally during the waiting period. My desires for a mate are stronger than they have ever been, and not only that, the Lord is working on keeping my mind pure during the waiting period.
To compound this problem,I consider myself very attractive (please don't think I am bragging here) and often get "hit on". Because of this, I purposely wear my hair up because I am trying to be modest and I don't want to cause a man to "lust after me". Well, it works. The trouble is that I am not happy with this hairstyle and I often feel like a frumpy dump. I have glasses that are attractive, but the glasses and the hair up combo makes me feel like a 50's librarian.
I find myself in a frustrating position because I feel that there are two looks for me, frumpy or sexy. I don't want either look!! The problem is when my hair is down, I feel sexy and the way it hangs all wavy doesn't feel "modest" to me.
I realize for those of you who don't have an issue with "hair being sexy" may find this a bit bizzare, but then I know there are ladies that cover their heads for the sake of being modest so I am hoping there is a group out there that understands where I am coming from.
I am sorry I am rambling, I don't really know where I am going with this post. Just felt frustrated that I feel like I can't find a "look" (mainly my hair) that's attractive and "modest" (if that makes sense). It feels like anytime I wear it down, it feels sexy. I am not saying sexy is bad, just don't want to cause a man to lust.
I am feeling a little funny that I shared this with you, and I realize some of you may thing this is a really psychologically unusual hangup, but it has been troubling me. I am trying to find a look that is attractive without causing one to stumble. Becuase I have been told that I am quite attractive, I almost feel like I have to hide it.
Because of my age and where I am in life, I am beginning to feel like a shaken up soda can. I have quite a high drive and am really hoping the Lord will send someone soon.
Any advice on what to do with these hormones during the wait? It isn't just the "act" I am craving, but the physical touch and intimacy. Sometimes the desire can make me feel quite lonely.
Thanks for letting me share.
Hi splost - I don't know if you are still checking this. I was wondering something though - do you think that perhaps that part of your desire to not cause lust in a man has to do with fear - maybe fear of your own sexual desire? There is nothing wrong with being and looking attractive - wearing your hair in a nice style. That is part of the beauty of a woman and might be the thing that attracts the man that will be your husband into your life. You really can't do much about lust in another man - I mean unless you are dressed immodestly, saying suggestive things - then you might provoke some things. But a beautiful hairstyle, nice well-fitting clothes, pretty shoes, makeup - it is ok to wear those things. The lust really is the responsibility of the man. Many men will even lust after the librarian or the school teacher. Or for people (men and women) who are sick, they might even lust after children or something non-human. So the lust part - as long as you are dressed modestly which you probably are - is more in the heart and eye of the beholder and not in you.
Enjoy the way that you look. Enjoy your hair, your youth, your figure, being a woman. Look through hairstyle books and try to find a style that flatters you and that you feel comfortable with. You can be attractive and godly. If men hit on you, there are ways that you can handle it - it could be a great witnessing opportunity .
I can't tell you what to do about hormones as I'm dealing with the same thing. If you get answers - please let us know!
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RE: Frustrated during the "single waiting period&q... - 1/5/2009 4:42:54 PM
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danas_mom
Posts: 529
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rgod
You really can't do much about lust in another man
ITA. Stop owning their sin. Unless you are deliberately dressing in a provocative manner, you are not doing anything to cause someone to lust. If they choose to lust, it's on them. They are accountable for it, not you. Stop owning it. And about hair - honestly, men are so varied in what they prefer I don't think there's any one look you can point to and say 'There - that hairstyle causes men to lust so you shouldn't wear it.'
If you are like me, changing your appearance drastically all at once will make you even more self-conscious and compound the problem. Ease into it. If you normally wear your hair pulled up in a bun, try wearing it in a low ponytail for a while until you get used to the change. Then move on to maybe half of it up in a braid and the other half hanging loose. So on and so forth. Unless you're anti-makeup, experiment with light makeup while you're at it - maybe just a little bit of foundation/powder and blush, a little eyeliner or mascara - just enough to accent your features and make you look more put together. If someone compliments your appearance, just smile and graciously accept the compliment. Chances are they won't even be able to put a finger on why look "different" they'll just know that you do. Easing into a change will make you feel a lot less like you're wearing a neon sign that says "Jezabel!" above your head, and you'll soon realize that people aren't going to treat you like a harlot just because you are presenting yourself more attractively.
_____________________________
I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing. ~ 2 Samuel 24:24
Spirit of Ashes Creations
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RE: Frustrated during the "single waiting period&q... - 1/5/2009 6:57:38 PM
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splost
Posts: 48
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline
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Thank you guys for all of your kinds suggestions. I really appreciate you helping me realize that their is balance.
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