How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance about my past sex sins?
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How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance about m... - 11/30/2008 10:46:36 AM
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hemst
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Several years ago I saw a prostitute and an escort. I used to go to strip bars and call 900 numbers. Two of the big reasons behind this were my sexual abuse as a child and my need to find relief from my severe deppression. I have been in counseling for both for awhile now and the deppression has lessened quite a bit.
I have not participated in any of the above sins in over two years. I would like to get married some day. I am single at the moment but I once was close to engagement and I didn't know what I should tell the girl I was seeing about my past. How much should I tell anyone I am considering marrying?
My only struggle now is with looking at internet porn. I don't do it that frequently, maybe once every couple weeks but I want to totally get rid of it altogether. I would appreciate prayers that I will have the will and wisdom to know how to knock that out. Any suggestions on tackling that issue would be appreciated. I also want to totally knock out fantasizing and the stuff that can go along with that.
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 11/30/2008 11:37:54 AM
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mrtigger
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quote:
ORIGINAL: hemst
How much should I tell anyone I am considering marrying?
Everything.
The timing is another matter. You certainly should not dump that on a first date but on the other hand, it should get talked about before the relationship gets really serious. It may be a relationship ending discussion and you need to get past that before you and her have invested a whole lot of time in it.
Be prepared that she may possibly share what you tell her with her girlfriends.
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mr tigger
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/5/2008 8:16:13 AM
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DaveW
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What Tigger said. You need to come clean with everything.
She may have just as much to tell you as well.
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/5/2008 11:28:17 AM
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pdvc19
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quote:
quote:
ORIGINAL: hemst
How much should I tell anyone I am considering marrying?
Everything.
I must respectfully disagree. If you have already confessed your sins, and your slate has been wiped clean, then why must you continue to carry this baggage? Or even worse, in my book, why must you dump this baggage onto someone else? The fact that you saw a prostitute, as you said, is likely a side-effect of past abuse, and therefore irrelevant other than for potential diseases. Issues that I believe need to be discussed would be things that are ongoing struggles for you.
The fact that you are in counseling should be commended, but I would disclose this as well since this is obviously a current issue. If you successfully make it through counseling and feel compelled to let a future spouse know about it, that should be your choice.
I certainly could be wrong :).
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/5/2008 11:39:25 AM
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DaveW
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quote:
If you have already confessed your sins, and your slate has been wiped clean, then why must you continue to carry this baggage? Or even worse, in my book, why must you dump this baggage onto someone else? While I understand why you said that from a doctrinal stance, the fact is that sinful acts may have long term effects - long after being forgiven by God. There are always psycological scars and they DO NOT go away by confessing and repenting. There may be diseases or even children involved. These do not disappear and can deal severe damage to a relationship if/when they come out years later. This is not textbook doctrine but real lives.
_____________________________
Avatar is DW holding Saphira at her first birthday party and myself holding Louvena at 30 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/5/2008 11:57:41 AM
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pdvc19
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quote:
While I understand why you said that from a doctrinal stance, the fact is that sinful acts may have long term effects - long after being forgiven by God. There are always psycological scars and they DO NOT go away by confessing and repenting. There may be diseases or even children involved. These do not disappear and can deal severe damage to a relationship if/when they come out years later. This is not textbook doctrine but real lives.
I am certainly talking from a "real lives" perspective as well, but I think our presiding wisdom on all "real lives" issues has to be doctrinal. As for confessing to a future spouse about prior transgressions, I just don't see the benefit to either person.
The abuse is where I see the true issue to be, because this is not a past transgression, but part of the fabric of who a person is. First hand experience tells me how difficult this is to deal with. What I have found to be the case is that by confessing past transgressions, or as I have heard it referred to--vomiting out your past, gives the confessor a sense of relief/release at the expense of the person getting dumped on. Too many times in an abusive situation, we chase our tails dealing with the symptoms (porn, promiscuity, adultery, etc), rather than dealing with the real issue of abuse.
On a real life level, I think it is awfully difficult to work through all the effects from an abusive situation, and so that is likely going to need to be discussed.
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/5/2008 1:01:28 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pdvc19
quote:
While I understand why you said that from a doctrinal stance, the fact is that sinful acts may have long term effects - long after being forgiven by God. There are always psycological scars and they DO NOT go away by confessing and repenting. There may be diseases or even children involved. These do not disappear and can deal severe damage to a relationship if/when they come out years later. This is not textbook doctrine but real lives.
I am certainly talking from a "real lives" perspective as well, but I think our presiding wisdom on all "real lives" issues has to be doctrinal. As for confessing to a future spouse about prior transgressions, I just don't see the benefit to either person.
The abuse is where I see the true issue to be, because this is not a past transgression, but part of the fabric of who a person is. First hand experience tells me how difficult this is to deal with. What I have found to be the case is that by confessing past transgressions, or as I have heard it referred to--vomiting out your past, gives the confessor a sense of relief/release at the expense of the person getting dumped on. Too many times in an abusive situation, we chase our tails dealing with the symptoms (porn, promiscuity, adultery, etc), rather than dealing with the real issue of abuse.
On a real life level, I think it is awfully difficult to work through all the effects from an abusive situation, and so that is likely going to need to be discussed.
Excellent post.
The issue of the symptoms (porn, prostitute etc) should be discussed if it naturally comes up in the discussion of the abuse. If she asks, you tell.
As to getting rid of porn, check out www.xxxchurch.com
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/5/2008 3:21:27 PM
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DaveW
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I cancertainly attest to the long term effects of abuse, but that is somewhat different than being "experienced" by consent.
As a guy, there is always the possibility if there is a partner from years ago that I have had no contact with that there was a pregnancy and I have a child that may show up on my doorstep 10 or 20 years from now. Fortunately that is not my situation, but is for many guys. I would think a girl would want to know that it was a possibility going into the relationship.
_____________________________
Avatar is DW holding Saphira at her first birthday party and myself holding Louvena at 30 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/5/2008 5:43:00 PM
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hemst
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No kids. No diseases. No real way she would ever find out.
Years ago I read a Billy Graham's "My Answer" and he said that we don't really need to tell our spouses about everything in our past because he didn't see the need. A former counselor I went to see, who was a very grounded, mature Christian man, told me not to tell a girl I was considering marrying about the escorts/prostitutes although I did tell her about the strip clubs.
The escort, prostitute, 900 numbers and strip clubs happened years ago. Right now my battles are trying not to look at every pretty girl as a possible date and lusting after woman, both of which I have seen some extremely good victories in recently. Just limiting my time on the PC has kept me from sneaking a peak at porn (which was about every couple weeks). If I can't keep that habit kicked I think I might go for the program that emails any questionable web site to accoutability partner(s).
I want to be an honest individual really. But how much should I tell? Should I tell her everytime I have problems lusting after another woman? Should I tell her about every dark, dirty thing I have every thought of or done????
Thanks for the discussion so far. One person commented that the woman may leave me when I tell her. This kinda saddens me. I would hate to see someone, who I have grown incredible close to, leave me because of this. I mean, I can't say I blame them... but it does kinda make me wonder what percentage of woman would walk away from a relationship when they found the guy had a past like mine.
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/5/2008 5:53:58 PM
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mrtigger
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quote:
ORIGINAL: hemst
Thanks for the discussion so far. One person commented that the woman may leave me when I tell her. This kinda saddens me. I would hate to see someone, who I have grown incredible close to, leave me because of this. I mean, I can't say I blame them... but it does kinda make me wonder what percentage of woman would walk away from a relationship when they found the guy had a past like mine.
I think most probably would not leave. I've found that women are usually more understanding of us guys sexual issues than we anticipate of them. And the few that would leave, well it's best for her to hit the door early with no divorce or kids to deal with.
But I think almost all persons would want to know, and have the right to know, of their potential spouses past -- especially of their sexual past. It's not something that should be kept from someone who you want to be your wife.
_____________________________
mr tigger
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/8/2008 1:38:48 AM
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GodsCop
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I don't understand this desire to know/tell everything about the past. More mystery, less history.
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/8/2008 2:15:01 AM
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OneJohn410
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Tell her everything. Tell her nothing but what you are currently doing battle with. More mystery, less history.
The timing is important. Be prepared to watch her walk away. Most women tend to not walk away.
This is good stuff. It just all reads half-baked.
There's the aspect of when to share any skeletons one has in that closet with her. Then there's the delivery of it- if it's going to be practiced at all, or whatever. Then there's this one...
Being ready to respond should SHE bring the subject up and not you, when you've decided to just keep it all to yourself. What does that do to those old bones in there, if there are any.
Keeping things on the positive... the whole conversation, should the guy start it- I'm thinking should close up with a
that was then, that was my past
however
here I am now, and here's my intentions for how I'm going to live my future.
If it's just vomit and end of discussion and not vomit and clean it up and you are leaving the past and seek to change the rest of your life as such and so, then she may get sick in empathy, and she's walking away.
_____________________________
For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. -Romans 15:4 (NIV)
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/8/2008 8:18:07 PM
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willfs
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneJohn410
If it's just vomit and end of discussion and not vomit and clean it up and you are leaving the past and seek to change the rest of your life as such and so, then she may get sick in empathy, and she's walking away.
I'm sorry. I got kinda turned around and didn't understand these statements.
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If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/10/2008 11:03:29 AM
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AslansChild
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I only read the OP and a few responses but my .02 is that you tell what you are asked. I think the statement about bagage is a legit statement. I too came into my marrige with a more colorful past than my wife and I was honest with her but I felt she did not need all of the specific details. That was over 15 years ago and we are still happy in marrige.
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/10/2008 12:18:50 PM
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mrf084
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These are serious issues. You don't want to start a marriage not having aired these. To base your marriage on a lie would be foolish to say the least. It is called a lie of omission. You don't need to go into to detail immediately or maybe ever, but not to mention these things would be destructive to the relationship. If you can't communicate the things on your heart how can you maintain any real connection to a future wife?
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/10/2008 1:05:19 PM
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APZR
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Being saved, having repented and been forgiven, you are a new person... a new born in God's eye. I wouldn't re-visit the past unless asked. She may ask, and you have to be prepared to answer honestly. But also keep in mind that an honest answer doesn't require too many details.
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/10/2008 2:55:48 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mrf084
To base your marriage on a lie would be foolish to say the least. It is called a lie of omission.
There is no such thing as a sin of omission if the question is never asked. If she doesn't bring it up then he is never lying but not telling her. Otherwise we'd be required to reprot EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING we've ever done wrong in our lives. (In the first grade I stole Jimmy's blue pen. and I got in a fight with Tommy. And I kicked susie in the leg because she kissed me. (much much time passes while the tale gets told) and then in the second grade.......)
quote:
If you can't communicate the things on your heart how can you maintain any real connection to a future wife?
Now this is valid. If the issue is strongly on your heart and you feel the need (and the lead of the Spirit) to share it, then do so.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/10/2008 3:23:10 PM
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mrf084
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This issue involves one of the most intimate of relations before God. If there is any chance of future problems ( which there is because of the pornography) then disclosure of some kind would be of extreme importance to any spouse.
I disagree about ommission of important facts not being a sin. This doesn't require an exhaustive listing just honesty. I omitted to tell you I'm not really the person I said I was is important. God Bless
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/10/2008 4:24:55 PM
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journeyman7
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I would not disclose this information because it is in the past. Who is to remember God not longer remembers? If you have truly repented and confessed, let it stay behind you in the past never to reappear. I see no benefit in telling your future spouse, if God has wiped it clean, let it be gone.
_____________________________
Mt 16:24 -
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/10/2008 4:30:04 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mrf084
This issue involves one of the most intimate of relations before God. If there is any chance of future problems ( which there is because of the pornography) then disclosure of some kind would be of extreme importance to any spouse.
I disagree about ommission of important facts not being a sin. This doesn't require an exhaustive listing just honesty.
But what is an important fact? And how will you know what she will consider important? There are only two ways to be safe. Tell her every last detail before she asks or wait until she asks and then answer honestly.
quote:
I omitted to tell you I'm not really the person I said I was is important. God Bless
We are not our sins. We are especially not our sins that we have repented of, been forgiven for and have not recommitted in over two years. If your wife was promiscuous when she was a teenager does that make her still a slut when she's in her 40's? Of course not. Her sins do not define her.
Leave the forgiven past buried. (except as noted in previous posts)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/10/2008 5:15:48 PM
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benelchi
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quote:
ORIGINAL: hemst
Several years ago I saw a prostitute and an escort. I used to go to strip bars and call 900 numbers. Two of the big reasons behind this were my sexual abuse as a child and my need to find relief from my severe deppression. I have been in counseling for both for awhile now and the deppression has lessened quite a bit.
I have not participated in any of the above sins in over two years. I would like to get married some day. I am single at the moment but I once was close to engagement and I didn't know what I should tell the girl I was seeing about my past. How much should I tell anyone I am considering marrying?
My only struggle now is with looking at internet porn. I don't do it that frequently, maybe once every couple weeks but I want to totally get rid of it altogether. I would appreciate prayers that I will have the will and wisdom to know how to knock that out. Any suggestions on tackling that issue would be appreciated. I also want to totally knock out fantasizing and the stuff that can go along with that.
When a relationship is getting serious, I believe should let her know that you are willing to discuss this topic with her just as you would any other topic, and then tell her as much as she wants to hear, but no more. The goal is to make sure you have a foundation for open and honest communication with each other, not to dump your life's history on her. The purpose should be to help her better understand who you are as a person, and help her to know that you are trustworthy, not to ease your conscience as you confess. Never put yourself in a position where you feel you need to lie or hide your past because doing so can damage a relationship far more than revelations about your past ever could.
On a different note: Get help for the pornography problem before you ever even consider dating anyone. Until you have truly dealt with that sin, you are not really ready to date anyone. You will hurt the woman you are dating as a result of that sin, and cause unimaginable pain to any woman you might marry; it is selfish and unfair for you to set anyone up for such pain, if you know this is still a current issue in your life. I have seen too men destroy their families because of pornography, don't put yourself in a position to do that to anyone.
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/11/2008 11:41:14 AM
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OneJohn410
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I worded up a somewhat choppy reply last time, then forgot all about this topic. There's still a lot of talk about talking about the past, period, end of discussion. I think anyone would find a lot of ladies walking away no matter how honest you are, whether you count omission of something a sin or whether you say all you can think of and then come back later with more that your remember. It'll still only be ugly and I don't know the purpose for it.
Does this guy, any guy, know Christ as his Lord and Savior? If so, and he is carrying past bad habits into this new life, then trying to learn why that is, like has been mentioned, is a strong testimony to a desire to change for the better.
What discussion is needed if she simply learns that on Tuesday nights, this wonderful guy she's getting to know is attending an AA meeting, or some such support group to help him battle his unwanted addictions, and so he's working on being able to free up his Tuesdays but its been a long haul. Is that not enough said? It conveys realization of a problem, action being taken toward correcting it, and a desire to be over it one day.
This is so much more about in what way would I tell someone about my past failings than how much of them should I tell someone about. To clear up my last statement, if you don't have a that was then, but by the grace of God this is now statement, then there is only blah negative things for her to take away and ponder.
_____________________________
For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. -Romans 15:4 (NIV)
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/11/2008 2:08:31 PM
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mrf084
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This isn't a question of current sins or past sins but of what repressing abuse and his current struggles with pornography bring to a relationship. These things have made him who he is and are exactly what a future spouse should want to know. To shrug them off as unimportant isn't going to serve him well in his marriage nor is it a firm foundation on which to build. In 1 Corinthians Paul speaks to marriage as a thing that is better not to do if you have control over yourself (1 Cor.7:37). He also speaks to marriage rather than burning with passion in 1 Cor. 7:9. This man obviously isn't in a situation yet where his passions are under control so marriage is probably a good idea. And yet to say that he shouldn't express his current or past struggles with a future or not so future wife would be irresponsible. After all in 1 Cor. 7:4 Paul explains that their bodies belong to each other and his history could have some bearing on this. I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear that I was referring to what hasn't been completely dealt with by the Lord and what is in his past and forgiven by the Lord. Some would say that things such as sexual abuse can leave lifelong scars though. If there is one thing I have done that isn't in keeping with 2 Titus I would retract it instantly if pointed out to me. God Bless
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/11/2008 3:07:40 PM
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mrf084
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In reply to JohnO. I didn't say sin of ommission, but lie of ommission. Newsmedias do this all the time by leaving out information that is crucial to the understanding of a story. Hence a story can be twisted quite severely. I simply was pointing out that this was what was happening here if promulgated. I don't believe sins should be rehashed in a Christian relationship or any relationship for that matter except to solve problems current to that relationship, if necessary. I hope this corrects any misunderstanding. God Bless
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RE: How much should I tell any future spouse/fiance abo... - 12/11/2008 7:42:10 PM
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hemst
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I dont' know how much my passions are under control but I have seen some wonderful things take place recently. The amount of time I spend fantasizing about woman has gone down dramatcally. I do not look at Porn on the internet and have not been tempted. If I see it popping its ugly head up again then I think I will get the online accoutability thing that emails the sites you visit to a friend. I am kinda trying to practice some temperance and self control all the time anyway with other stuff, including how much time I spend on the computer. I am being very careful that I "be careful if I think I stand, lest I fall" and there are still struggles in many other areas of my life that keep me humble and crying out to him.
I was a Christian when I did all that stuff I mentioned.
I do want to have relationship with a woman where we intimate emotionally and mentally. So I can see the point of letting her know atleast something of my past. But thanks for all the imput.
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