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How to deal with it? - 11/19/2008 11:18:05 AM
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kidV1
Posts: 24
Joined: 11/19/2008
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My wife and I argue a lot about every little thing. Money, her time spending on the internet when she's not talking to me and not caring for the kids, me having issues with adult material at times, and how we don't talk enough. I know I am wrong for my issues and have stated that but it feels like she doesn't want to talk about anything that I feel she does. Am I wrong for pushing to get an answer or her feelings about how things are? We have 3 girls ages 5, 4, and 14 months to give you an idea of how her day goes. She's a stay at home mom trying to go to college as well. I just feel left out of so much of her life. Thanks for taking the time to reply or pray for us. Attention is an issue I fight with a lot. I like to have her attention especially when I am at work from 1:30 pm till midnight. Thanks again. 
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RE: How to deal with it? - 11/19/2008 12:34:48 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2063
Joined: 3/24/2008
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Get His Needs, Her Needs. And you really need to deal with your issue. There are some great resources on that (this is what comes to mind but I've seen other things referenced here that maybe someone else can point to)...and just by taking steps to address this biggie, you'll probaby alleviate a lot of the little things that are eating at her. She's home with babies all day (which is relentless), your work schedule might complicate things, and if you're looking at things (even occassionally) online that you shouldn't be - she is probably feeling off the charts scared and insecure. I've been there.
It is so exciting that you're here asking for input and advice! My best advice, from learning the hard way, address these things NOW. Don't get some info and advice and make a couple (temporary) changes just till you feel better. Even if she seems to start to feel better, if you don't really address these things and really change some habits that you're forming and really learn how to meet each others' needs, you'll fall into a cycle of good days, bad days, same old issues and fears popping up, getting worse each time, and you'll find yourself years down the road kicking yourself for not listening to me now.
His Needs, Her Needs might be a good starting point (but not an end-all super-fix). And don't think anything in that book can't happen to you or doesn't apply to you. Please don't learn the hard way.
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RE: How to deal with it? - 11/19/2008 12:36:07 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1103
Joined: 4/29/2005
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quote:
Am I wrong for pushing to get an answer or her feelings about how things are?
Yes.
You are wrong for "pushing" any other adult to talk about anything they choose not to talk about. That's basic courtesy and personal respect.
You are free to express yourself, but "pushing" in conversation is never OK.
Perhaps a first step in your relationship would be learning to re-frame your conversations (and fights) in the way of, "Would I talk to another acquaintance in this way if this were happening in another area of my life?"
Example: It seems like you are implying that she is not living up to what you think her duties are as the stay-at-home part of your parenting team. If you had an important ongoing duty at work, and you shared that set of duties with a female co-worker, and you felt that she was not living up to what you had agreed to -- you wouldn't explode, be openly exasperated and demeaning, attack her character etc. What would you do? You'd try to act professionally and express yourself in a calm clear manner. If she chose not to discuss the issue, you'd say, "Well, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. If you want to talk about it again later, let me know."
You have a lot of individual issues and your relationship sounds pretty troubled. You probably both need to work on a lot of skills to get better at this marriage thing. You should consider counseling (with or without her) to build your relational skills. I just wanted to give you a random starting point, with the whole idea of just talking to her no worse than you would talk to anyone else.
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RE: How to deal with it? - 11/19/2008 1:27:36 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kidV1
We have 3 girls ages 5, 4, and 14 months to give you an idea of how her day goes. She's a stay at home mom trying to go to college as well.
Good grief! Two little kids, a baby and college. It's a wonder she's still sane. Is she sleep deprived as well? You've got more problems than just talking; I'd go get some good counseling. God bless you guys.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: How to deal with it? - 11/19/2008 1:29:36 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2063
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kidV1
We have 3 girls ages 5, 4, and 14 months to give you an idea of how her day goes. She's a stay at home mom trying to go to college as well. I just feel left out of so much of her life. Thanks for taking the time to reply or pray for us. Attention is an issue I fight with a lot. I like to have her attention especially when I am at work from 1:30 pm till midnight. Thanks again.
I had to come back to this. I really don't want to sound like I'm taking "her side" - you've got to both be on the SAME SIDE so there isn't really a "her side" to take. But if she wont open up, allow me to just say how absolutely overwhelming her situation is!!
Her body and her mind are not her own with three little ones pulling at her and demanding from her all day! (I am just now again enjoying having complete coherant thoughts of my own and feeling like my own person again now that my kids are 7 and 9.) There's something sweet and priceless about that - but it can also drive a woman completely insane! If you even want to hint that you're not getting enough attention, save your breath and just hit her with a hammer next time - it would hurt less.
This is a real need of yours (see His Needs Her Needs). But telling a woman with three tiny children at her feet and trying to take classes that she's not paying enough attention to you is just going to make her angry and make it that much harder for her to show affection to a man who completely does not get it. That is going to make her feel guilty and angry at the same time. She will develop a defense and a habit that will be hard to undo even when the kids are more self-sufficient and there are no classes. You could be starting a cycle that will plague your marriage for years if not end it.
There's so much in His Needs Her Needs that I wish I'd realized when I was in the phase that your wife is in. I would've not let things get away from me like they did. But, now that I think about it, don't ask her to read another book while she's taking classes. YOU READ IT! NOW! You can read it together when she's on a break maybe. Read it and apply it (and anything else you can get your hands on - especially that will deal with YOUR problem)...work on you, be patient with her, and I promise things will begin to turn around. Even if your outlook and your attitude are the only things you see change for a long time, DO IT. This is a phase of life that will be gone too soon...help her enjoy it - enjoy her time with the girls, learn to make time for you (help her - plan something so you guys can get away even briefly with no distractions where she can just relax and be accepted and reassured, not feeling attacked), and learn to make time for herself as well. Help her through this time. Focus on her, not on your own demands or needs (for now).
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RE: How to deal with it? - 11/28/2008 12:53:44 PM
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kidV1
Posts: 24
Joined: 11/19/2008
Status: offline
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thank you all for your insite on our situation. I wanted to take the time to update you and let you know that things are going better. We took a downward turn at first being open and honest about everything going on and the slowly but surely we have grown closer together than we have over the past six years. You all are very special folks and I thank you for taking the time to give me your opinions. They were taken to heart and were doing this together. You all are very special thank you. I'm a very expresive person and I like to tell people what i think and I think you all are very nobel people. THanks again and God bless you all. I'll keep ya'll up to date on all this. For now thanks and if I can help with anything for anyone else let me know.
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