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IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/21/2008 3:59:40 PM
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dolores2222
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My soon-to-be husband's ex-girlfriend will not stop calling him. It has been for the duration of our relationship (3 years). He said he has tried everything within his power to stop her. He asked me for some suggestions. Should I call her? When is it appropriate, not appropriate?
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/21/2008 4:10:22 PM
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csl7037
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What has he tried exactly? Why does he answer when she calls? If she wont listen to reason, if he's truly been firm with her, then she sounds unstable and he should try legal remedies. I just can't believe he's tried "everything". If it's just being a wimp, maybe it wouldn't hurt for you to lay down the law with her - but then you better decide if you want to live your life fighting his battles. If he's not just being a wimp, and he really doesn't want her to stop calling, you have an entirely different issue altogether. IMO, don't marry him with this girlfriend issue unresolved, though.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/21/2008 4:20:08 PM
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deedeeowens
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I would say no; don't call her. It will just give her something to be dramatic about and she'll probably call him more and try to make you look like the bad guy. If she's really going over the top with bothering him, why not get a restraining order? Sometimes people need to go to that extreme to get the point across.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/21/2008 4:21:21 PM
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laura...
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How often does she call? Why does she call? What has he tried? No, you should not call her.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/21/2008 4:25:04 PM
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jlea1982
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From: Las Vegas, NV
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If they don't have a child together then there is no reason for contact. Just change the phone number.
Since you are soon to be married, will he be moving so she won't know where he lives?
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/21/2008 4:32:57 PM
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stamper_ben
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If you were to call her and if she were to then become dramatic with him over it it would give him the perfect opportunity to tell her that yes, he agrees totally with what you said. Some ex's just don't get it unless it comes from a third party. But then again sometimes they still won't get it.
Changing the number or call blocking is good too.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/21/2008 4:33:37 PM
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karlie
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I don't think you should call her and get involved. But, it sounds like he hasn't done ALL he can to stop her calls. The easiest and quickest way is to change his numbers and not give them to her(providing there is no child involved). Is there any reason he hasn't done that? It's a hassle, but people do it all the time. If he's serious about not wanting to hear from her, I would think he would have done that a long time ago.
Have you asked why she is still calling and if he has ever given her any encouragement, like accepting the call or occasionally calling back? After three years, most people would give up unless they are getting some pay off for their efforts.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/21/2008 4:40:03 PM
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csl7037
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stamper_ben
If you were to call her and if she were to then become dramatic with him over it it would give him the perfect opportunity to tell her that yes, he agrees totally with what you said. Some ex's just don't get it unless it comes from a third party. But then again sometimes they still won't get it.
Changing the number or call blocking is good too.
Yes, if calling her would seem to both of you to be a good plan (taking into account my other advice and all the other points made here, which are very valid and food for thought), I'd say do it with him sitting right there. You'd have to be on the same page and, like someone else said, not just give her more to run to him about.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/21/2008 4:49:19 PM
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jlea1982
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From: Las Vegas, NV
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I really don't think you should call. It is his issue and he needs to deal with it. If he has been completley straight with her and told her not to call anymore and she still is then changing phone number is IMHO the best way to go.
I don't think you should call because you do not know how she would react to it. (and lets face it, some people are crazy) You don't know what she could try to do to you if you tell her to stop calling.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/21/2008 4:54:19 PM
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pbaribeault
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I think that anyone who has "tried everything" but never thought of getting his phone provider to block calls from her number isn't terribly serious about "trying everything". There's got to be some kind of issue there.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/21/2008 6:24:46 PM
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creationtalk
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
I think that anyone who has "tried everything" but never thought of getting his phone provider to block calls from her number isn't terribly serious about "trying everything". There's got to be some kind of issue there.
What she said.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/22/2008 6:58:22 PM
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dolores2222
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I too believe he has not dont enough to stop her from calling. I also believe after reading many of your posts that I will not call. There is nothing that she has done that he hasn't allowed. If she is psychotic, then I could see but she isn't. She's just an alcoholic and I'm not saying 'just' lightly. I will not handle this for him. He needs to take care of his mess. I am looking closely why she has called so many years repeatedly and it's obvious that there's still some kind of relationship. This feels humiliating, hurtful, embarrassing, disrespectful and regretful because I have to look at this closely and make a decision. At this point, it's not so much how to get her from stop calling but why she has continued to call all these years. What is behind the why?
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/22/2008 7:14:33 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2065
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dolores2222
I too believe he has not dont enough to stop her from calling. I also believe after reading many of your posts that I will not call. There is nothing that she has done that he hasn't allowed. If she is psychotic, then I could see but she isn't. She's just an alcoholic and I'm not saying 'just' lightly. I will not handle this for him. He needs to take care of his mess. I am looking closely why she has called so many years repeatedly and it's obvious that there's still some kind of relationship. This feels humiliating, hurtful, embarrassing, disrespectful and regretful because I have to look at this closely and make a decision. At this point, it's not so much how to get her from stop calling but why she has continued to call all these years. What is behind the why?
Don't get ahead of yourself or make it bigger than it is. Like I said earlier, IMO, (and I mean this nicely) he might just be a wimp! But you do need to figure it out. If you don't want to handle this (and every other difficult situation that comes up down the road) for him, you better tell him to deal with it or ___________ - or what? That's the question. Good luck.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/22/2008 10:03:03 PM
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zoebob
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Moving this from marriage to Relationships.
Do not send me PM's about this.
Do not discuss this in the public forums.
If you have any questions please contact community@salemwebnetwork.com
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/23/2008 8:15:31 AM
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agapetos
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quote:
This feels humiliating, hurtful, embarrassing, disrespectful and regretful because I have to look at this closely and make a decision. At this point, it's not so much how to get her from stop calling but why she has continued to call all these years. What is behind the why? Does your boyfriend know how you feel? And he's not (as others have said) got caller id, blocked her number or anything else? Chances are she's continued to call because he's not done 'everything' to stop her.
If I were in that situation I'd be thinking very seriously about whether I'd want to marry him until he got round to doing something ~ because the way things stand, you're going to be marrying her too.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/24/2008 10:15:38 AM
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gaylel1
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I don't know if this is not apporopriate, but you bf should explore the possiblity of a restraning order against her before she gets more agressive and you may be involved with dire consequenses.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/27/2008 5:41:31 PM
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buckifn
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3 years is a long long time. Why doesn't he get a no contact order?
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/27/2008 10:35:50 PM
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jaimestarcross
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He could have gotten an unlisted number.
He could report her for harassment or
annoying calls{whichever one applies} - there's a lot
he could do but for some reason he's not...
You want to know "why" she's calling...
because she's got his number.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/28/2008 1:40:09 PM
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deermousie
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I'm always looking for a worst-case scenario, so take my words with a grain of salt.
1. Why is he still responding to her? If a man doesn't want someone to stay in contact with him, he will not be in contact. Period. People won't call people who refuse to talk and are stern about not being contacted. Unless...
2. ...unless she's mentally unhinged. Why would she be obsessing with a man who isn't in her life?
3. Which brings up another point - you can tell a lot about a person by the friends they keep. He once thought she was good enough to be his girlfriend. If he and she are still in a relationship, if you can call this verbal circling and fussing a relationship, then what allows it to continue?
I see a big red flag. In your shoes I'd postpone the wedding and see how this plays out. He's got you AND her in his life, and after three years it doesn't sound to me like he's managing his life well or healthy. No, wait, in three years you've already seen how it's played out. He's still circling with her. Personally, and I'm trigger-happy from a horribly abusive childhood and determined to have a better adulthood, I'd call the wedding off. He isn't ready to "forsake all others til death do us part."
I'm sorry for the bad news, but better to be burned a little than stuck for life with it. I'm praying for wisdom for you today. God bless you.
And if he is asking you what to do, what else in marriage will he not do and hope you will? I see that you already have a handle on this, and I think you are wise.
< Message edited by deermousie -- 11/28/2008 4:19:33 PM >
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 11/30/2008 1:42:19 PM
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Ps103
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Do they have children together?
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 12/3/2008 11:09:12 AM
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dolores2222
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I'm back! No they do not have children together. I did call her guys. I did it! I asked her in the beginning of the conversation whether she would talk with me and if she didn't, I understand. She said okay. She said she has not only called him but he's called her. She said they have been friends for many many years and she mainly has male friends. She didn't say she would stop calling and I guess if he is calling her and she him, why should she stop. What motivation does she have to stop calling him if he calls her. She owes me nothing, he does.
I told him I called her. He said yes I talked to her but it was only maybe once a month. I said but you lied and if you lied about that, what else are you lying about? This was last week. I spoke with him last night and bluntly asked, "so has she called?" He said yes, twice. He said the first time she left a long message on his telephone late in the evening and then she called during the day wanting an apology from him because I called her. I said I see you still haven't taken care of business. Okay, goodnight!
Lies, so many lies. I'm tired of the lies. I just want to scream! Is there an honest man out there, anywhere? Or am I looking for Mr. Perfect who doesn't exist. I'm sure everyone has something they are trying to work through, but I need to be honest with myself about whether this is something I want to go through even in marriage. NO, I DON'T!
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 12/3/2008 11:19:04 AM
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BJinWA
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quote:
At this point, it's not so much how to get her from stop calling but why she has continued to call all these years. What is behind the why?
i guess you know the WHY now. he keeps calling her.
Good for you for recognizing the lies. i know this is hard, but believe me, there are good HONEST men out there.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 12/3/2008 11:28:42 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10358
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None of us are perfect, but many of us know what it takes to make a commitment.
When I first suggested you call her I had no idea that he was being so untruthful to you. Now you know. And now it is time to make him your ex-soon-to-be-husband. I have a feeling you won't be calling him any time soon.  At least I'd hope not.
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 12/3/2008 12:01:51 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16428
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From: Central California
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quote:
I just want to scream! Is there an honest man out there, anywhere? Or am I looking for Mr. Perfect who doesn't exist.
Yes and no. There are no perfect men because there are no perfect human beings. If you're looking for someone who is perfect, you'll be disappointed. But YES, there are honest men who have integrity and know what commitment means.
I would never ever move forward with a man who thought it was okay to lie to me, especially about being in touch with another woman. That is a massive red flag waving about as high in the air as you can get. I would consider finding that to be God's way of rescuing me from a huge mistake.
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You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf~
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RE: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO CALL HIS EX - 12/3/2008 5:37:45 PM
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buckifn
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Sorry, but it is MUCH BETTER TO FIND OUT NOW RATHER THAN LATER.
Later there could have been children involved and that would double the tragedy and pain.
Thank God for allowing you to know the truth..although I still don't think it is wise to call and get answers from another party about the behavior of a man/woman who say they want to marry you. If trust isn't there marriage should not be part of a converstation imo.
I would never marry a woman who lied to me about phone calls from another man...PERIOD. in fact I would not consider her to be someone I wish to be with at all.
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