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Jaded and Angry - 11/28/2008 6:23:03 PM
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ralklm47
Posts: 2
Joined: 11/10/2008
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My sister is currently going through a divorce, intiated by her husband. Throughout our lives, she has always been extremely self-centered and needing a man. She was never particular-as long as they paid attention to her. One of them even stole money from me and my mother and she still let him in the house. (My father died when I was 6 and she was 3). We think she's sleeping with the neighbor who is 21 years older than her and married but seperated. Today I blew up because we were going to go shopping after she got off from work and the "neighbor" came over with his handyman to do some repair work so she blew me off. Truly, if I or my mother were sick or dying, she'd feel inconvenienced. My sister does not know the Lord-I became a Christian about 8 years ago. I had quite a few unfulfilling relationships because I went for the immediate high of the attraction. I've since learned and have shied away from dating for years, but more recently I'm more open to it, in a Christian setting.
On another note, my neighbor, who has been married twice, recently met a guy on e-Harmony and in less than 2 months they are in the "sleepover" phase. I live in a condo so I feel intruded upon because I don't think my neighbor knows the Lord either and I'm sure he's not sleeping on the sofa.
My question is-how do I stop from being angry at these women and instead look upon them with love, knowing that they are doing wrong? Have I become that angry about my past? Or am I just that jaded with dating that I lay back and criticize everyone else's relationships? I don't think so, when I see some of the couples at my church I feel a pinch of envy, but then when it comes to my neighbor and sister, I just want to write them off. How do I resolve this so that I can love them and not want to just lash out at them? (I posted something similar under the subject "Ambivilent" a few weeks ago, I hope this is a little bit more clear as to what I'm trying to resolve)
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RE: Jaded and Angry - 11/28/2008 6:55:14 PM
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creationtalk
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quote:
how do I stop from being angry at these women and instead look upon them with love, knowing that they are doing wrong?
Why are you angry with them? It's sounds like you are taking this personally for some reason.
It's understandable to be upset/angry/disappointed about someone not following through with what they say; I struggle with that in one particular situation. But as far as what they are doing in their lives ...
And frankly, if you know that your sister is unreliable, start expecting her to not follow through...then you can be pleasantly surprised rather than disappointed. Go ahead and invite her...but not "Lets do this." but "I'm doing this at this time, if you'd like to come, I'd love some company."
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RE: Jaded and Angry - 11/28/2008 6:57:33 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1103
Joined: 4/29/2005
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quote:
My question is-how do I stop from being angry at these women and instead look upon them with love, knowing that they are doing wrong? Have I become that angry about my past? Or am I just that jaded with dating that I lay back and criticize everyone else's relationships? I don't think so, when I see some of the couples at my church I feel a pinch of envy, but then when it comes to my neighbor and sister, I just want to write them off. How do I resolve this so that I can love them and not want to just lash out at them?
I think you are angry for two equal and opposite reasons -- which is a really rough thing, like having a civil war inside your head. Your two angers are (1) they are having 'fun' and I am alone (2) what they are doing is morally wrong. You are angry at them for disregarding God's law, and potentially ruining their lives, but you also envy the carefree 'love and kisses with butterflies' kind of stuff that you are doing without for this season -- is it possible that you are suffering from the "great big cosmic meanie" syndrome, where you think that it's God's fault for setting you up for frustration? Because that would be anger #3, which gets even more complicated.
So, some specific answers...
One of the most powerful things you can do is control your thought life, and a good technique is to figure out what you say to yourself, then choose a good solid pithy answer to 'yourself' that you memorize and repeat as required. I'd suggest that you try to train yourself not to be interested in other people's sex lives, or even in their relationships. When you start thinking about who is probably sleeping together, answer yourself, "Ephesians says that it is shameful to even talk about what fornicators do in private. Their shame does NOT belong in my mind. My mind belongs to God, and I'm going to use it to think about <my plans for my balcony garden in the spring>."
Once you stop being so concerned with which particular sinful things they are or are not doing and with whom, you might be able to let the love that the Spirit of God genuinely holds for all sinners shine out of your life in genuine ways. 'Cause you know he loves all the sinners, whether their sins are sexual or not, but sometimes it's easier for us to love the sinners when their 'sins' are vague or unknown to us. It's harder when we know which sins and when.
If you are not feeling so close with that Spirit that lives inside of you and is supposed to be Lord of your Life, it's time to get back to good old, "Read your Bible, pray every day, and you'll grow, grow, grow." (That's a kids song in my neck of the woods.) Good deep spiritual roots come from disciplining and devoting yourself in these (and other) ways that focus your spirit of God. (If this is the advice you need, PM me for more specific ideas and plans for a radical devotional life.)
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RE: Jaded and Angry - 11/28/2008 7:14:05 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2064
Joined: 3/24/2008
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I also think these are two completely separate things going on. The sister's situation is understandably frustrating but you have to keep in mind she's not saved and is desperate for something. You know she's not going to find it where she's looking but you need to be patient with her and pray for her.
The neighbor I think is something else entirely! Why would you feel intruded upon by what your neighbor does? You're not roommates - if you were, that might be different. Sounds like you're friends but she's still just your neighbor - don't be nosey. And don't "covet" what your neighbor has! The emotion I feel from your post is a lot like when I had a miscarriage and it seemed like everyone I knew at the time, including dh's co-worker living with her boyfriend partying all the time, turned up pregnant. I agree with pbaribeault, that smacks of jealousy. Worry about yourself and your relationship with the Lord more and your neighbor less. Pray for your sister but, there's nothing you can do there so don't torment her and yourself with your opinions or your disaproval - it's a waste of time.
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RE: Jaded and Angry - 11/28/2008 7:29:57 PM
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ames01
Posts: 158
Joined: 5/11/2007
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I think I can identify with some of the emotions in your post. Feel free to set me straight if I'm reading too much into it, though. 
I see frustration in your words (no judgment here -- as I said, I can identify). You are trying to live your life in obedience to God as a Christian the best you can, and some of the people close to you are for all intents and purposes thumbing their noses at God. Yet they are happily paired up, while you remain single. And that's frustrating in a way. You know you're doing God's will, and you wonder why He's not blessing you with a Godly relationship. Am I close, or way off?
I struggle with the same feelings sometimes, and unfortunately I don't have any great advice. I just try to make a conscious effort to give it over to God. I tell Him how I feel about it, and then I ask Him to meet the needs that I would be looking to a companion to fulfill, until He sees fit to bring me one. And I pray for the people whose actions have frustrated me, that they would realize their need for a Savior and turn to Jesus.
Other than that, I don't have much advice to offer. But I'm sure that a wiser and more mature Christian than myself will have some good insight to help you. I see that you have already gotten several other replies, now that I've hit the refresh button.
Hang in there!
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RE: Jaded and Angry - 11/28/2008 8:18:18 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2064
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ames01
You are trying to live your life in obedience to God as a Christian the best you can, and some of the people close to you are for all intents and purposes thumbing their noses at God. Yet they are happily paired up, while you remain single. And that's frustrating in a way. You know you're doing God's will, and you wonder why He's not blessing you with a Godly relationship. Am I close, or way off?
I think you're on to something ames. But you both know full well what you see that these other people have is not even CLOSE to what you really want. It's a poor substitute at best - nothing in it but pain. Don't lose sight of that.
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RE: Jaded and Angry - 11/28/2008 9:04:37 PM
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MisterTR
Posts: 65
Joined: 5/23/2008
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Not sure I have any advice, but I like what I've read so far. Controling your thought life, figuring out the root of the anger, how is it a reflection of our relationship with God --- these kinds of things applies to almost any situation where we are experiencing negative feelings.
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: Jaded and Angry - 11/29/2008 11:01:26 AM
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song
Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Southern Florida
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My sister is living the same kind of life right now... and she says she's a Christian. It does make me angry.
I asked God why I was angry and I think it's because I know the ending. This is all going to end in death for her. And I'm angry about that. And I'm angry that she can't see that.
When I feel angry I just start praying. For her and against the enemy. Pray against the schemes of the enemy towards your sister. You should be mad at the Father of Lies and his evil plans for your sister, not your poor sister. Because even though we don't feel that way sometimes we should pity them. They aren't experiencing the wonderful fulfilling relationship with the Father. And my sister doesn't realize that her every action is ruining her chances of a wonderful fulfilling relationship with a good Christian man someday.
But there's only so much you can say to her and then you just have to pray.
_____________________________
you are beautiful my sweet sweet song...
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