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help a question about forgivness - 11/30/2008 11:15:40 AM
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tkc300
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i have been divorced for about 2 years now in the process i became involved with a wonderful man whom was 5 yrs younger than me yet opened my world up to a possibility of love. I ended up having a one night stand with my ex and told the guy about it. well he isnt sure whether he want to forgive me or not yet i am doing everything in my power to show him he can trust me. I am a faithful person who just was very confused going through the process. He is livesin another state and i flew up to visit he is sooo distant yet want to act like a couple yet says he is still single.. how long does fogivness take or should it take long?
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 11/30/2008 11:38:15 AM
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csl7037
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It's not a matter of how long it takes. It's a question of whether or not he choses to forgive. Divorce is complicated - has he ever been divorced? Just curious.
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 11/30/2008 12:27:24 PM
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deermousie
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tkc300
i have been divorced for about 2 years now in the process i became involved with a wonderful man whom was 5 yrs younger than me yet opened my world up to a possibility of love.
First of all, I commend you for wanting to do it right. Yay!
Is God leading in your relationship with the new guy? How do you know?
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I ended up having a one night stand with my ex and told the guy about it. well he isnt sure whether he want to forgive me or not yet i am doing everything in my power to show him he can trust me. I am a faithful person who just was very confused going through the process.
You had sex with a man who isn't your husband now - it has to be confessed as sin and turned away from (1 John 1:8-10), and you may have already done that. If you tell God you were just confused, the wedge in your relationship with God remains until you deal with it.
The way you show a person they can trust you is to live a righteous lifestyle for years. For life. Habitual righteousness. You being back on track now shows the incident with the ex- was a blip and not a lifestyle; I would think that was pretty convincing.
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He is livesin another state and i flew up to visit he is sooo distant yet want to act like a couple yet says he is still single.. how long does fogivness take or should it take long?
Every person is different. But if you told this guy you were just confused, he may be wondering what else he needs to think about. Or, maybe he wants to be a couple when you're there but still play the field when you aren't there, because he's not committed to you. What is his character?
You might want to refer to the one-stop thread on divorce, as it might change where you go if your divorce wasn't biblical.
I'm sorry this is so hard for you. You have a swirl of emotions, and I know it's difficult to figure things out. Hang in there, keep trusting God and getting into His Word for answers. Talk to your pastor or a mature Christian for wise advice, and may God bless you, dear one. I am praying for you today. (((Hugs)))
< Message edited by deermousie -- 11/30/2008 1:31:26 PM >
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 11/30/2008 3:55:16 PM
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song
Posts: 298
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From: Southern Florida
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
quote:
ORIGINAL: tkc300
i have been divorced for about 2 years now in the process i became involved with a wonderful man whom was 5 yrs younger than me yet opened my world up to a possibility of love.
First of all, I commend you for wanting to do it right. Yay!
Is God leading in your relationship with the new guy? How do you know?
quote:
I ended up having a one night stand with my ex and told the guy about it. well he isnt sure whether he want to forgive me or not yet i am doing everything in my power to show him he can trust me. I am a faithful person who just was very confused going through the process.
You had sex with a man who isn't your husband now - it has to be confessed as sin and turned away from (1 John 1:8-10), and you may have already done that. If you tell God you were just confused, the wedge in your relationship with God remains until you deal with it.
The way you show a person they can trust you is to live a righteous lifestyle for years. For life. Habitual righteousness. You being back on track now shows the incident with the ex- was a blip and not a lifestyle; I would think that was pretty convincing.
quote:
He is livesin another state and i flew up to visit he is sooo distant yet want to act like a couple yet says he is still single.. how long does fogivness take or should it take long?
Every person is different. But if you told this guy you were just confused, he may be wondering what else he needs to think about. Or, maybe he wants to be a couple when you're there but still play the field when you aren't there, because he's not committed to you. What is his character?
You might want to refer to the one-stop thread on divorce, as it might change where you go if your divorce wasn't biblical.
I'm sorry this is so hard for you. You have a swirl of emotions, and I know it's difficult to figure things out. Hang in there, keep trusting God and getting into His Word for answers. Talk to your pastor or a mature Christian for wise advice, and may God bless you, dear one. I am praying for you today. (((Hugs)))
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 11/30/2008 8:07:05 PM
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tkc300
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I was married for 13 yrs and he has never been married. he was one of the most godly men there was until the hurt set in after i told him what had happened. I have confessed to God and know where i am with everything now to where i was a mess when everything was going on. Bad thing is he blames God for my action and me. He was bound and determined to marry me until all this happened. Thing is i never thought I could love anyone as much as my ex husband( who cheated on me numerious times.) and the awful thing is I love Matt so much more.. The way he treated me was amazing and he truly showed me how love is suppose to be. Thing is I pretty much destroyed him by my actions. and I am so regretful but yet have show in so many different ways how much I love him. Him never being married and having to go through a divorce( which i wouldnt wish on anyone) couldnt possibly understand the emotions people go through. It was even i wanted to be with my ex who used me over and over again... I actually am not sure what even took me to a place to where it would happen. Either way we went to the movies tonight and then got into a confrontation about everything once again. He told me he isnt sure he could forgive me its been 3 months and i have absolutely done everything i could poss do to gain his confidence or win him back yet he is a different person... Something i will never forgive myself for... He also explained to me in a very hurtful way I tainted the dream of us ever being together. Which hurt me sooo bad... not sure what to do do I let go ?
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 11/30/2008 8:29:37 PM
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csl7037
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To be perfectly honest, he seems young and naive. Not saying what you did wasn't wrong but 1. you're not married to him . . . he can't fathom yet the depth of what you had with your dh - good or bad, it was a spiritual bond; what you have with him, as great and promising as it may seem is, at this point, really just a promise and 2. he seems incredibly judgemental which is easy to be when you've never really screwed up!
Is this something that would be understandably hard to get past? SURE! Should it be this dire or a deal breaker? I don't think so. IMO, he's not ready for marriage - or he's not ready to jump right to the understanding of marriage that you have earned by life. Remember when you married your ex how optimistic and naive you were? We all were!! If/when you do that again, it'll be exciting and you'll be hopeful, but you wont be that same silly girl. I'm not saying divorcee's can never marry someone who's never been married before. I'm just saying that I think, in this case (and I don't think it's unusual), you're at very different places in life and, unless he was a very special person, it will be difficult if not impossible to get you guys on the same page, especially now.
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 11/30/2008 10:25:30 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
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I think you've got a bigger problem than you think, and there is something you can do about it. Hang in there with me:
quote:
ORIGINAL: tkc300 he was one of the most godly men there was <> he blames God for my action and me.
You can't put these two things in the same breath. God doesn't do anything bad or evil. For this guy to be godly means he knows and lives the basic principles of God. Therefore he can't be godly and blame God for something bad. Actually he sounds pretty ignorant of the things of God to me.
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The way he treated me was amazing and he truly showed me how love is suppose to be.
God shows us what love is supposed to be: self-sacrificial, giving, forgiving, pitying the lost.
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Thing is I pretty much destroyed him by my actions.
People are like tea bags - what they really are comes out in hot water. Up to now he's been putting forward his best foot to impress you, but when things get hard he gets angry, feels loss, and "can't forgive." God forgave you, but this guy can't. Is he better than God? I think his "Mr. Nice Guy" mask slipped and you're seeing the real man underneath. Thank God for that, if that's what it is.
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...we went to the movies tonight and then got into a confrontation about everything once again.
He's still mad, and it wasn't against him that you sinned. After three months, people don't usually stay mad unless something in their minds is choosing to keep things stirred up. Why would anyone choose to reject for three months?
quote:
He told me he isnt sure he could forgive me its been 3 months
God already has.
It sounds like this guy is expecting you to be the perfect woman, and is angry he didn't get one (selfish - he's not thinking about you). Maybe he's still single because no woman he's found has been perfect. Or he wants to stay single and this is a good excuse to make it your fault so he can go play with someone else's emotions (before he invents an excuse how they let him down and he has to leave... again).
Can you imagine being married to a guy who is forever throwing your one-time sin in your face for the next 40 years and letting you know how you don't deserve a perfect guy like him? Sounds like a recipe for a miserable existance. Or maybe you're jost one person in a long line of women he has lead on and dropped for their "imperfections." Or maybe he's just immature and selfish and has no motivation beyond that.
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Something i will never forgive myself for...
Actually, you may come to bless this day because it showed the real man behind the mask, and you could skip marrying the wrong guy. Like a bird escaping a net.
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He also explained to me in a very hurtful way I tainted the dream of us ever being together.
I really think he wants perfection or he's blaming you so he doesn't feel guilty about leading you on and then dumping you because he wants to stay single. It could be he likes the ego strokes of the chase but doesn't want the responsibility to carry through to completion.
He sure doesn't seem to mind hurting you over and over and complaining all the time - not the behavior of a loving person. This smells fishy to me.
Scripture says to avoid angry people, and your sin wasn't even against him!
quote:
Which hurt me sooo bad... not sure what to do do I let go ?
Personally, I'd run. There are too many red flags on this guy. He blames you, he hurts you, he's mad at you, he can't forgive you. There's no reasoning with him, and God's forgiveness isn't enough for him. I'd tell him I was setting him free by ending the relationship. If God means it to be (after he becomes a godlier person and able to love God's sacrificial way) you guys could get back together later.
I'm sorry, dear one; this has got to be so hard and your emotions must be swirling. Pray like crazy for God's perfect will, and don't forget to say thank You. God may be rescuing you from this guy and you'll be so grateful some day. I am praying for you today. Be strong in the Lord - He promises He'll withhold no good thing (Ps. 84:11). If this guy is a good thing for you, he won't be withheld from you.
(((Hugs)))
_____________________________
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 11/30/2008 10:39:45 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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I think this guy is being a little hard on you, considering that you WERE married to the guy..it's not like the one night stand was with a stranger. While I do believe the only proper place for sex is between a husband and a wife, I certainly think that a husband and wife divorced from either, but neither one remarried is the most understandable unmarried sex I can think of.
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 11/30/2008 11:45:18 PM
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tkc300
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i agree wth the above posts all three yet i guess thats what it make hurt so bad. I know that if forgivness was in the cards it would have happened already. I know he loves me yet will never see past the betrayel.. which i am the one who messed up. Just having a hard time coming to grips with first losing my husband and now a man whom i fell in love with... How much loss can one person take?
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 11/30/2008 11:55:34 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
How much loss can one person take?
As much as we need to shape our character, and only God knows how much that is. God says He will not give us more than we can handle, but that doesn't mean He won't give us more than we THINK we can handle. Often He knows we can handle far more then we think we can.
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 12/1/2008 10:02:18 AM
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ames01
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I'm a little surprised at the direction the thread has taken, and I struggled with whether to post anything. I hope this is taken in the respectful tone that is intended toward both the OP and the other posters, because I do have a lot of respect for all of you.
I can't help thinking that if the boyfriend in this situation had come to the forum and posted something like this:
"I'm in a long distance relationship with a woman who lives in another state. She is divorced, and I've never been married. We've been together for {amount of time}, and I had planned on marrying her. But then I found out three months ago that she had had a one night stand with her ex-husband, while we were dating. The knowledge of this has been tearing me apart for three months. What should I do?"
. . . that he would get responses like, "forgive, but move on from the relationship." So I'm a little surprised at the tone of the responses toward the boyfriend. Yes, as a Christian he does need to work on forgiving the OP. But forgiveness can be a long, continual process when you have really been hurt. Three months is a relatively short amount of time to expect full healing and forgiveness to have taken place IMO.
I don't mean to sound harsh, and I'm not without sympathy for you, tkc3000. Three months seems like an eternity to you to wait for forgiveness from the person you care about, I'm sure. You've been through the pain of being cheated on by your ex-husband, so you have an idea of what your boyfriend is going through. And I know it hurts you a lot, too. I agree with deermousie that laying this situation at God's feet and asking for His will to be done is your best course of action at this point. I'll keep you in my prayers as well.
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 12/1/2008 12:33:50 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ames01I can't help thinking that if the boyfriend in this situation had come to the forum and posted something like this:
"I'm in a long distance relationship with a woman who lives in another state. She is divorced, and I've never been married. We've been together for {amount of time}, and I had planned on marrying her. But then I found out three months ago that she had had a one night stand with her ex-husband, while we were dating. The knowledge of this has been tearing me apart for three months. What should I do?"
. . . that he would get responses like, "forgive, but move on from the relationship." So I'm a little surprised at the tone of the responses toward the boyfriend. Yes, as a Christian he does need to work on forgiving the OP. But forgiveness can be a long, continual process when you have really been hurt. Three months is a relatively short amount of time to expect full healing and forgiveness to have taken place IMO.
I think this is a fair question. OK, then let's do this from the other perspective, as we haven't really looked at it. Let's pretend he did post the above, because there are aspects to this situation that haven't been discussed.
Dear Angry Guy,
You are very disappointed that the gal you were dating had sex outside of marriage. I understand your alarm about a serious sin, that this could indicate a lack of moral character and/or lack of built-in hedges or lack of determination to live a godly lifestyle.
Considering she used to be married to the guy (and you're probably asking yourself why is she divorced - because her husband cheated on her or because she bailed out without a biblical reason? She never told us) there's an "easiness" of the familar that could have easier lead to sexual sin. But note it happened once, not habitually, so that tells me it was a careless lack of hedges and not a habitual lifestyle that you would be wise to avoid. Yes, she should have seen the steps 1, 2 and 3 that ultimately led to step 10, where she could have stopped the progress anywhere along the way, but the familiarity again could have made it go fast. And let's face it - we lie to ourselves. We're sinners, and we're learning not to do that. I could chalk it up to carelessness and a lack of sharp determination to avoid sin, the mark of a more mature believer. She needs to grow in her sanctification, but it could be on its way and should be encouraged. God condemns none of us; neither should we. It looks to me like she is handling this in the manner of a growing, being-sanctified Christian. You can't ask for better than that, because this is the path every serious Christian has to take. We all sin somewhere, and God graciously leads us out of it.
Look and see how this one instance has effected her, whether she is remorseful and more determined to maintain her chastity or not. I'd expect to see a growing Christian think, "Wow, I sure blew it. I'll never put myself in the place to do that again! Thanks, God, for forgiving me." God is working in a person who is turning away from sin and has been released from the guilt, so it's unbiblical (and a lie) to throw the guilt back on them and retard the growth in grace.
I would not reject a person out of hand for a one-time sin that has been confessed, repented of, and "hedges" built to prevent it from happening again. We are all sinners, and God still deals graciously with our sin, to cleanse us and grow us up in Him to be like Him.
You may be grieving the loss of chastity of this woman, but as she was married before, virginity could not be a realistic expectation, and you knew that. Chastity* is a realistic expectation from a person who claims God, and you would be wise to wait and see if her life has changed to one of vigilence to protect her chastity from now on.
*Chastity being the state in life where a person is sexually pure, either as a single and having sex with no one, or being married and enjoying sex only with their legal spouse.
I am puzzled by your continuing anger regarding this incident. No one stays angry for three months constantly unless a problem is a constant inconvenience to them (not in your case) or they are mentally provoking themselves afresh daily. Sorrow is reasonable because there is a loss of chastity (that might not be repeated, so you'll want to wait and see her character over time), but emotions get fatigued and resolution comes. So where is your anger coming from? She did not sin against you, but against the Lord. Why are you angry? What possessions have you lost? None. What is the basis of you thinking she owes you a confession of sin - she's already confessed it to God and repented of it - it hasn't been repeated. And you saying you can't forgive her is ludicrous - it's not you who was sinned against so your forgiveness is meaningless. If God has forgiven her and you can't when it's not even your place to forgive, you have garrisoned yourself into an impossible position and refuse to leave it. This is not a biblical place to be, but a stronghold built on error.
What is your motivation? Are you getting even? With a person, when God calls all of us sinners? Are your standards higher than God's? Have you not also been forgiven of your sins?
Let me ask you a personal question, so don't answer me but just yourself: are you regreting this relationship and looking for a way to end it so it looks like it's not your fault? Did you really plan on marrying her, or were you just enjoying the chase and leading a woman on for the ego strokes and emotional highs? Has this happened to you before? Lots of times? I'm concerned that you could be fradulently leading women on and dumping them for some imagined fault (or even real fault) because you never intended to marry any of them. That would make you a deceiver and a fraud in God's eyes; a serious habitual situation that needs confession (say it's a sin) and repentence (turn away and don't do it anymore). If this is not the case with you, then that's a relief and I'm glad you aren't in that kind of habitual sin.
What you have in this relationship is a woman who sinned but turned away from it. She sounds like a decent person whom God is teaching to become a godly woman. If you're worried, back the friendship down a notch (quit talking about marriage but just be friends, and tell her so so she knows where she stands with you) and watch her behavior the next year or two. She could be a good catch!
Frankly, I think she should watch your behaviour for a while to discern if you're a godly guy or not; your anger is a red flag to me and I have counseled her to wait and see who you are. If you are growing in your faith and letting God sanctify you (including dealing with your sin and resulting in confession and repentence) you could be a good catch, too! Part of that will be shown in your life lining up with God's standards in how to deal with sin and what God says about forgiveness; I'm not convinced you know it yet. Are you reading your Bible daily and putting into use what you learn there? It's key to growing in God and getting your life changed, something we all have to do.
And I would bless them and pray for them. God does great things in people's lives.
quote:
. . . that he would get responses like, "forgive, but move on from the relationship." So I'm a little surprised at the tone of the responses toward the boyfriend. Yes, as a Christian he does need to work on forgiving the OP. But forgiveness can be a long, continual process when you have really been hurt. Three months is a relatively short amount of time to expect full healing and forgiveness to have taken place IMO.
The problem here is that he wasn't sinned against, so his forgiveness isn't part of the equation, yet he's making it the centerpiece. Red flag. She sinned against God, and also against her ex. The bf's lack of forgiveness seems to be a symptom of an error on top of an error, which seems a symptom of biblical ignorance. Red flag. That he is staying angry isn't healthy - I'm guessing he's deliberately drumming that up (I could be wrong - I'm flying by the seat of my pants here on what little I know how people act and why). Red flag. His constant verbal attacks on her isn't loving, healthy or helpful. Red flag.
I think a year from now this relationship will shake itself out: either they'll both conform to how God's moral universe runs (and I think she's already on track) or he'll bug out for whatever reason. And that could be a good thing; it seems if you hold people to God's standards, the ones who refuse to live it will disappear into the woodwork because they never intended to live that high. They cull themselves. So "the one who got away" would eventually have had to be kicked out anyway. So it's a grief- and time-saver. Cars with square wheels won't sign up for the race, or if they do, they'll be no-shows. Be grateful.
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 12/2/2008 10:12:35 AM
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tkc300
Posts: 29
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Thank all of you for your thought they all help in the thinking things out process. My divorce WAS biblical. He cheated numerious times throughout our marriage. Not that he is all to blame because i could have done things different as well but would never have cheated ever. Mariiage is a sacred thing to me and i do believe ( this isnt a excuse I know what I did was wrong) I still felt a sense of loyalty to my marriage and my preacher believes this as well. Either way... sun being the silly girl i am wanted to go watch fireproof??? what was i thinking???? i heard about it a lot at church and new the writer was the same as facing the giants so i wanted to be inspired .. that was a very bad decision... and the second one was seeing it with matt. It ended in a dicussion about marriage and his doubts... Thing is even after all i have been through there is still hope in me about marriage.. prob couldnt have said that even 5 months ago but God has healed my heart. yet in the process i broke matt's. Either way we got into a discussion again last night about kids. He then instructed me time was running out for me? i asked how that was he said women who give birth over 35 have a high risk of having down syndrome babies. I am 33 and he is 26 . Geez that one hurt! feel like a walking disaster with him now. like i am this wrinkly time bomb gunna go off at any minute! Thing is i am very active and healthy I coach competitive cheer and tumbling have three kids and weigh 135 which is less than in high school. I dk it really hurt when he said that. Which leads me to think is he trying to push me away?
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 12/2/2008 12:59:51 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tkc300
Thank all of you for your thought they all help in the thinking things out process. My divorce WAS biblical. He cheated numerious times throughout our marriage. Not that he is all to blame because i could have done things different as well but would never have cheated ever.
I'm sorry he cheated on you; you are free and guiltless. So you made some mistakes not worthy of divorce. We are all sinners and God gives us 50 years or so to get the marriage thing right. You were working on it (good); he went elsewhere (wrong). Be at peace.
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sun being the silly girl i am wanted to go watch fireproof??? what was i thinking???? i heard about it a lot at church and new the writer was the same as facing the giants so i wanted to be inspired .. that was a very bad decision... and the second one was seeing it with matt.
Is this a movie? What's bad about seeing it? Is Matt your ex?
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but God has healed my heart. yet in the process i broke matt's.
His expectations were disappointed; that's not fodder for a broken heart. He's being a Drama Queen I think. He has no claim on you - there's no ring on your finger, you aren't married to him, etc. He can choose you or go away and it's his choice to see if you're a match. If you don't meet his expectations then he should know to look elsewhere, not make a federal case out of how you "let him down." You are you, not something being made to order to meet his expectations. This isn't BurgerKing. 
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Either way we got into a discussion again last night about kids. He then instructed me time was running out for me? i asked how that was he said women who give birth over 35 have a high risk of having down syndrome babies. I am 33 and he is 26 . Geez that one hurt!
Man, I wish I was your father. This guy needs a reality check and a lesson in manners and why manipulation is dishonest. He is pushing your hot buttons and trying to push you into his mold. My red flag is waving like crazy.
For the record, I didn't marry until my late thirties (I was determined to marry the best guy or no guy) and had a kid at 40. She started taking college-level classes in 7th grade and cooked a gorgeous Thanksgiving turkey last week.
At 38, Down Syndrome risk is still less than 1%, if those numbers are still reliable. And some of those kids are the most loving people you'll ever meet.
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feel like a walking disaster with him now. like i am this wrinkly time bomb gunna go off at any minute! Thing is i am very active and healthy I coach competitive cheer and tumbling have three kids and weigh 135 which is less than in high school. I dk it really hurt when he said that. Which leads me to think is he trying to push me away?
Nah, I think he's trying to make you into someone else, or else. Imagine how much fun it would be to live with someone who doesn't cherish you for who you are but is trying to use negativity to make you into someone you aren't. The more you insist on being yourself, the uglier he could get.
He sounds dishonest, selfish, manipulative and highly unpleasant. Convince yourself if that is true or not, then base your future decisions on that.
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 12/4/2008 2:31:43 PM
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tkc300
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Oh i am sooo confused... i talked to him again today after coming home .... he keeps telling me i am pushing for a answer. yet i do feel like i am but possibly? dunno hate living in limbo. Well here is the other stickler while everything is up in the air i have thrown another iron in the fire. While i was there my emotions got the best of me and things happened between us. WHat i dont understand is how can that happen and things go back to before. He explained this morning our relationship was 50% good and 50% bad even ... that hurt ouch. i want to let go but my heart is ripping in two
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 12/4/2008 4:10:47 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tkc300
Oh i am sooo confused... i talked to him again today after coming home .... he keeps telling me i am pushing for a answer. yet i do feel like i am but possibly? dunno hate living in limbo. Well here is the other stickler while everything is up in the air i have thrown another iron in the fire. While i was there my emotions got the best of me and things happened between us. WHat i dont understand is how can that happen and things go back to before. He explained this morning our relationship was 50% good and 50% bad even ... that hurt ouch. i want to let go but my heart is ripping in two
You gave your heart away, and that's why you can't decide. God says to guard your heart. You didn't, and it grew roots in a soil God didn't give you. Giving your heart away is what we're supposed to do in marriage, and it bonds us. You aren't supposed to be prematurely bonded to him.
Would you buy a car that had 50% of it's motor working? It won't run at all until all the parts work. Would you buy a house that was 50% underwater? Or buy hamburger that was 50% rotten meat? By his own words he condemns the suitability of this relationship.
You see with your own eyes he is a name-calling manipulator who proves he's selfishly trying to force you to become what he wants, and doesn't cherish you for who you are. Do you want a screaming tyrant for a husband who'll never give you true love or a moment's peace?
He's telling you clearly who he is: Liar. Hater. Manipulator. Tyrant.
The only thing you have to lose is your improper emotional bonds to him. In your shoes, I'd break them today. It's going to hurt like crazy, but you'll get over it. In time you'll feel good again and will have years to enjoy that. Marry him and never feel good again.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: help a question about forgivness - 12/17/2008 7:15:14 AM
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son_of_God_w
Posts: 2
Joined: 1/17/2006
Status: offline
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Hi
I'd like to add my 2 cents worth...
To my shame I must admit that I know this situation all too well. My wife and I were in a similar situation as you two are in now. And I also thought myself to be a very Godly man (and my wife thought so too). But when she told me what had happened, I exploded. [*This was before we were married]. It took more than 2 years for us to sort this out. The problem was me - and more specifically, pride.
quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
He's telling you clearly who he is: Liar. Hater. Manipulator. Tyrant.
I think deermousie is pointing in the right direction, even though it is a bit harsh. In my experience, I (and probably Matt) was a proud, self-righteous person who has never committed any "big" sins. I used to distinguish between "small" and "big" sins. I felt that my wife has committed a sin against me. What I needed to understand (and this took me two years to figure out), is that sin is never committed against a human being. What she did is between her and God. I had to learn to forget about myself, my pride, and my way of thinking about sin.
Rom 3:23 All of us have sinned and fallen short of God's glory. [CEV]
The question Matt needs to ask himself is this: what does God say about forgiveness ? What does God say about your relationship ? As the man in the relationship, he must be listening to God's voice, give clear direction as to where you should go in your relationship (after he heard God speak), create a safe spiritual environment for you and make you feel loved, forgiven and special.
That's what my wife taught me. She helped me understand that I need to live close to God and forget about my own silly ideas of how life should work, but live close to God. What he needs is to break down before God, confess his own sin and repent --> which means changing his whole life.
Until that happens, I would advise that you put the relationship on hold. Take time to be with God yourself, and heal from the hurts of the past, as well as this situation.
My God bless you and heal you !
_____________________________
In spite of my regrettable weaknesses, I am nonetheless the consequence of the creative workmanship of God Almighty, the object of His divine love and the source of His rejoicing. Therefore I will enjoy life to my fullest potential.
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